First World Problems

Dear God:

Please let me never throw a "black and white party," where my guests faithfully show up in black and white attire, and I make a grand entrance in bright red.

It is almost as bad as purposely choosing ugly bridesmaid dresses for your wedding party so that you shine all the brighter. But it is not as bad as having a lavish sweet 16 where there are pictures of yourself displayed everywhere, you make a dramatic entrance, perform some sort of song and dance, and have a presentation of receiving the Mercedes your parents had to get you. Nothing tops that on the scale of absurdity.

Thank you.

-me

I respond to "Baby on Board" car decals. At least, I try harder not to hit a car that has one.

I scratch my head when I see family sticker decals, though. You've seen them--colorful depictions of people on white stickers. Sitting at a stoplight, you can find out that the person in front of you is married, has one daughter who plays tennis, another daughter who takes ballet lessons, a son who plays little league baseball, and a dog. I once saw a car that had stickers that covered the entire length of the back windshield. Are these stickers some sort of badge of honor? "I have a family! We are very active, and we like to show it on our vehicles!"

Also funny are the timely bumper stickers. "My child is an honor roll student at so-and-so elementary" is fine, but how about, "My child was student of the month at so-and-so elementary?" Recently, I saw a proud parent touting their student of the month as well as boasting, "My child had a perfect checkup at Dr. So-and-so!" You know that was just an attempt to stave off sibling rivalry. "Your brother is excelling in school, and you didn't have any cavities! Way to go!"

small talk: these conversations often begin with or consist entirely of comments on the weather

Small talk is inappropriate and/or awkward:

• when you're in the dentist's chair
• when you've just exited a stall in a restroom and have to chat with the bathroom attendant
• when you're waiting in line at a drugstore and happen to be buying something embarrassing
• before I've had my coffee in the morning

"Awkward silence, begone" --->Entertaining small talk topics http://media.www.bgnews.com/media/storage/paper883/news/2008/01/17/Forum/Awkward.Silence.Begone.5.Tips.For.Small.Talk-3155358.shtml